Musings

Lately I’ve been taking in a lot of information, a lot of inspiration, and I’ve had a serious urge to start blogging for real — none of this post-once-or-twice-and-forget-about-it-for-months-at-a-time crap. It’s been on my mind since I started co-op, and was really hammered home in @whitneyhess’s “Evangelizing Yourself” talk at RedUXDC on Saturday.

I think my biggest fear is throwing up my ideas and posting things before their perfect. I’ve always been one to think things through thoroughly — perhaps too thoroughly — before speaking or acting. Lately, it’s been holding me back. At work, at professional/networking events,  in social situations. I thought for a little that I was outgrowing the intense shyness of my childhood, but now I’m starting to wonder. I’ve often wondered if this is “just who I am” or if I should change, or if I can. People always say “just be yourself,” but I worry that if I *just* be myself, then people won’t really see who I am…because a large chunk of me is quiet/shy/socially lazy.

This post is getting moderately emo, so I’ll get back to the topic at hand.

Perhaps, though, this hesitation I have is as simple as…once I become comfortable with a group of people, I then become comfortable expressing myself around them. I have no problems commenting, complaining, pitching ideas, or pushing for change at The Triangle or around the iSchool…but when I first got involved with them I surely was not nearly as confident as I am now. I guess I just have to hold out and keep trying to find my footing in these new situations.

I think what makes these tougher is that I’m “the college kid” or “the co-op” or whatever. I don’t have years of experience, a spouse and kids to talk about, or even a broad perspective on the field (though I’m trying to work on that one, since it’s the thing I can change)…so I feel like I have so little in common with the “adults” I interact with. Plus I’m just terrible at small talk to begin with. Lately I’ve felt fairly dull and useless next to a lot of the people I’ve met, seen speak, or worked with. I’m not used to feeling this way…I don’t like it.

So how do I fix it? Certainly I won’t become a super-blogging-UX-rockstar-power-networking-Twitter-celebrity overnight. But I guess I can start taking the little steps. Forcing myself to post, even if it’s not perfect. Getting out to events and actually talking to people rather than sitting in a corner staring at my notebook or cell phone, munching on free food.

It’s time to turn over a new leaf…hopefully the wind that is my busy crazy college life won’t just blow me back over again.

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

– Bene Gesserit litany against fear, Frank Herbert’s Dune